Tuesday Tell All - No Regrets, Just Lessons Learned

When I read this weeks TTA assignment, to finish these two sentences,
I wish I would have.........
I'm so glad I....................
my mind reflected on many things that I wish I would have done before I was married, or before I had children, and also things that I was glad I did before I was married, or before I had children, many were trivial things that don't really matter any more. But I also thought about two other experiences that take me to a very tender place. They are the circumstances of both my maternal and paternal grandmother's passings. As I think about my grandmothers, I feel a greater desire to strenghten family bonds and to strive to improve my relationships with my family. Both of my grandmothers brought peace, serenity, humor and love into any situation. They were examples of unselfish behavior, they both loved their families and were devoted to each member, with a Christ-like unconditional love unseen in many people. And so with that....

I am so glad I was able to tell my Grandma Binks good-bye.

It may sound silly to some, but as a teenager I would lay awake some nights worrying that my grandmother's wouldn't be alive to witness the day I would marry. It was literally a gut-wrenching worry....How could I ever handle the reality that two of the most important people in my life might pass on before this event happened. I didn't think I could ever handle it. Some nights I prayed that their lives would be spared until that time. Grandma Binks died a little over 2 years before I was married, but Grandma Vest was able to be there with me on that special day.

My Grandma Binks suffered from many health problems for as long as I could remember. She had been through countless surgeries and recoveries and had really just hung in there. At about the age of 78 she took a permanent turn for the worse and that final year became very difficult for her. She suffered from congestive heart failure and doctors told us it was just a short matter of time before she would pass on. That was in July of 1996. By the time Christmas came we were all grateful to have her around. I remember seeing her at the Binks' Family Christmas party in December and how she spoke of her love for her children and grandchildren and also her love for Grandpa being "the humblest man she knew."

I was a student at Ricks College at the time. Not only was I busy with classes, I was also a cheerleader and so many of my weekends were tied up with athletic events and practices. It was hard to find time to get home, and I jumped at any chance I had to go.

Grandma had held on longer than the doctors had predicted and for some reason that made me think that she was invincible. It was almost as though I had forgotten the prognosis and if I didn't think about death happening, it wouldn't.

My mom continued to me write letters via email each week about what was going on with the family and about what was happening with Grandma. My mom and her 7 living siblings took turns being the "Binks Meals on Wheels." They would bring dinner to my grandparents every night of the week each sharing some special time with them. I will never forget some of the sweet experiences she wrote about in those emails. My favorite being the "trip to Hawaii."

In February of 1997 I was overwhelmed with the pressures of school and we were just getting ready to leave as a cheer squad for basketball regionals in Coeur D'Alene, ID. I had lots of homework I needed to get done, but I really felt that I needed to go down to Utah before I left for the regionals. It was a rare weekend when I didn't have some type of cheerleading function, but this particular weekend there was nothing. The following is an excerpt from my journal about my trip home that weekend.

February, 22, 1997
I went home this weekend and had such a great experience. I was able to see my grandma. It has been such a hard time watching her struggle so much. She is an incredible woman and she has been through so much......On Sunday I went to visit her and when I went to leave, I walked over to her chair and gave her a hug and told her that I loved her. Speaking is so hard for her right now, but she said, "You know that I love you!" That day as I pulled to leave, she held onto my hand a bit longer and looked into my eyes without saying any more words, she just held on and wouldn't let go...I felt through her eyes she was trying to say good-bye. She just kept looking right into my eyes. I wish the moment could have lasted forever. I walked out to the car with Joseph, and told him I knew that would be the last time I saw her. I didn't want to go. I wanted to just stop time and be with her. What an incredible memory she is for me and so many other people. I am so proud of her and so proud that she is my grandmother. I love her with all of my heart. I think of her as a wonderful example.

The next week I left for the basketball regionals and participated with the rest of the squad. At the end of the week it was time to head back to Rexburg. On the bus ride home around midnight I was listening to a tape that Joe had made for me. It played the song, "Love Remains" by Collin Ray. I couldn't help but think of my Grandma and Grandpa Binks, I felt a sweet feeling inside as I remembered some of the experiences my mom had shared with me and my own experience from the previous weekend.

We arrived home around 5:00 a.m. and I immediately called my mom to let her know I had arrived safely back to Rexburg, (this was before the wide use of cell phones). It was then that she told me that Grandma Binks had passed away late the night before.....As I look back on the circumstances of her death, I can't help but think of the many tender mercies of the Lord I was afforded that helped me through that hard time. The things my Grandma Binks taught me are worth a post in and of itself, but more than anything she taught me that people are important....to value your time with people...nothing was more important to her than a short or a long visit with someone. As far as she was concerned, you were the most important thing in the world at that time. Her passing was hard for all of us, but the peace I felt thinking about my last moments with her, seemed to lessen the pain. I will forever cherish that moment.

I wish I would have had the chance to say good-bye to Grandma Vest.

Grandma Vest was one of those sweet women who rarely complain....even when they are in tremendous pain. Because of this, her death came as a great surprise to us all. I remember my mom and dad talking about her failing health and her frailty and how she would probably only last another year....but they predicted that Grandpa Binks would pass on before she did.

A couple of weeks before my grandma's death she was with us at the BYU baseball game to see my brother Wade play. I had just returned from my first doctor appointment for the pregnancy of my second child and was eager to share the news with Grandma. She was so pleased to hear the happy news. She loved hearing news about our life and it always made it all the more fun to share.

One week before her death we all went out to eat as a family to celebrate my Grandpa's 80th birthday. I remember seeing her walk in slowly dressed to the nine's, with the smell of perfume and pretty jewelry. She played with Brynn and was so excited that Brynn would finally come to her. (Grandma had a unique voice because of a tumor she had had in her throat. It was very scratchy and raspy, but it was all I had ever known, so it was just Grandma to me. Her voice scared some of the young great grandchildren when they were very young). After the dinner grandma invited us to come to her house, but Joseph and I felt we had too much to do so we headed to run our errands.

A few days later it was memorial day. our family has a tradition of going to the Memorial day Program at the cemetary every year. Grandpa Binks was receiving a special award and we knew this could possibly be his last time he would be able to attend the Memorial Day Program at the cemetary so we made sure we were there to support him. I thought about going to visit Grandma, in just a couple of months we would be moving to Spokane, WA for Joseph to attend law school, and I wanted to get as many visits in as I could, but I put it off for another day.

On May 27, 2003 I woke up and got Brynn ready and started to do my normal routine of cleaning and doing laundry. We were living with my parents as we prepared to head off to law school, and at 1:00 my Grandpa Vest called me asking for my dad. He didn't sound as chipper as usual, and he seemed pre-occupied...like he wasn't interested in talking, very out of character for him. I told him my dad's cell number and then he asked how and if it would work if he called or if he had to call him on a cell phone......he was sounding disoriented. When the call ended I hung up the phone and continued my work. I couldn't get the call off of my mind, so I called my mom. When the secretary Jeneane answered I felt a knot in my stomach because I knew something was wrong. She asked if I had talked to my mom. I told her no and then she said, "Oh, Amy you're grandmother has passed away! " I was speechless....I told her thank you and then called my dad's cell phone. When the call picked up there was silence and some sobs coming from both of us. Neither of us could say anything. I wanted him to say it wasn't true....that she had been revived and that things were going to be okay. After hearing the definite news, I fell to the floor and cried , "I didn't get to say good-bye!"

After a few minutes I called each of my siblings to let them know. Having the burden of telling each of them was like reliving the moment over and over again. It physically hurt to say those words. We all knew that eventually it would happen, but we were prepared for a downturn and then a predictable end, not a sudden end with no warning.

I wasn't able to have the good-bye I wanted and expected to have and this was very hard for me. It took months until I didn't cry over her death and the sadness I felt that she was taken unexpectedly. Part of that sadness came from being so close with my parents, because we were living with them at the time, I saw my father go through the grieving process of someone so dear to him. I cried because of the hurt I felt, but also because of the sadness I witnessed in him. I found comfort in remembering that while she didn't complain much, her pain was tremendous, and her suffering was over. She was not the type that wanted any fuss made about her. She went about doing good with quiet dignity, and this is how she passed away. The days after her death I spent writing and writing and writing..... about everything I loved and could remember about her. I also wrote a short good-bye in my journal. So if I had the chance to say good-bye to my Grandma I would say. "Grandma, I love you! Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be loved. Thank you for always being so caring and interested in my life, and for paying special attention to the details, for always remembering my birthday, and for being there for me during hard times. I will always look to your example forever. I love you!"

So...as the TTA assignemnt stated...."When ones door closes, another one opens." While we were able to share with Grandma the news about our new addition, she never did get the chance to meet Abby.....but when Abby was born we had to laugh. You see Grandma had beautiful black hair that, according to her hair dresser, she never dyed. I find that easy to believe since my dad will be sixty this year and still hasn't really even started going gray. We laughed because Abby was that open door for us....she was born with lots of thick black hair. I remember looking at her immediately after giving birth and thinking, "Are you sure she came out of me?" She looked like a little eskimo baby. I flew to Utah with her when she was 4 days old and I was asked more than once if I had just adopted a new baby and was taking her home. It had to look pretty funny to see such a contrast between mother and baby. Our little joke is that Grandma passed a smattering of black hair down with Abby as she entered the world. Grandma's are a treasure!

So my lesson learned. Strive to always put people first and when you "feel" that you should call someone or visit someone, never let the moment pass.

What Is a Grandma?

A grandma is warm hugs and sweet memories. She remembers all of your accomplishments and forgets all of your mistakes. She is someone you can tell your secrets and worries to, and she hopes and prays that all your dreams come true. She always loves you, no matter what. She can see past temper tantrums and bad moods, and makes it clear that they don't affect how precious you are to her. She is an encouraging word and a tender touch. She is full of proud smiles. She is the one person in the world who loves you with all her heart, who remembers the child you were and cherishes the person you've become. ~Barbara Cage~