Monday, April 6, 2009

Today....

I feel like each "today" starts the night before as preparations are made and the groundwork is laid to make the transition into tomorrow smooth. Sometimes "today" become so full that I am too tired to take the time to do the preparation for tomorrow and the the transition into it isn't so smooth. In fact it's anything but smooth. Lately it feels like we haven't had very many smooth transitions and in the morning I seem to be scrambling to get it all together.

Today was another one of those rougher starts. Conference weekend was so wonderful and filled me with so many desires about things I want to do, and ideas that I want to incorporate into our family, but sometimes the thoughts never make it into action because life feels so full already. I want to be more effective, and yet sometimes I just feel like we are doing what we need to do to survive.

Today was a hard day for me. It wasn't all bad. Just parts of it. After a late night, without much groundwork laid, we started our "today." Julia came to help out while I went running and to take care of a few errands. I felt bad that my house wasn't spotless for her, that my sheets were still in the dryer and not on my bed, that my floor wasn't mopped yet, and that it took me ten mintues to find my keys. This picture doesn't quite match the vision of order I had in mind while listening to the talks during General Conference about the home being comparable to the temple in sacredness. I'm not talking about perfection, just things being orderly.

After lunch, I had to break up a cat fight between the girls about sharing clothes. Whenever my children fight, this phrase from The Book of Mormon comes to mind, "ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another." At times like this I feel like a failure because they aren't getting along. Abby feels bad that Brynn always gets new clothes and she gets Brynn's hand-me-downs. Since they are near the same size, I told them they could probably start sharing some things. This turned into a knock down drag out, I'm not kidding. I hate stupid fighting over stupid things. I know that I did it too, but seriously, I hate it. I told them to take the shirts off so I could cut them up, (I know, I need help when it comes to logical consequences, my brain is mush) because no shirt was worth ruining a relationship with a sister. (I didn't cut up the shirts, just hid them for now.) We all got in the car and went to the park...I won't go into detail about all the things/frustrations that went through my mind while there.....

When we got home from the park I had to pull Aaron from the car screaming because he wanted to stay in the car. The whole reason we left the park was because he had a stinky diaper and Abby had used the last of the wipes in the public restroom because it was out of toilet paper. He didn't want his diaper changed, so he was kicking and flipping all around (not good considering the circumstances). I held him by one leg, twisting along with him, to get the job done. I noticed in all of his screaming, the chocolate remaining on his teeth from the cookie he had eaten and decided that while his mouth was wide open, I might as well give his teeth a good scrub. He hated it of course. Abby asked if she could watch a movie, I consented since Brynn, who had already watched a movie earler, had decided to take a nap. Aaron thought he should get to pick the movie, so he went ballistic.... again. It was about 3:30 at this point so I tried to put him down for a nap. Scheduling a normal nap doesn't work right now with our schedule, it would have to be at different times every day. Naps now consist of any bit of shut-eye in the car or at any moment you can squeeze one in, and usually are disrupted by having to pick someone up from school, piano, dance, etc. By the way he was acting, I knew he needed a nap. He was being completley unreasonable. I held him while he fought and kicked and screamed. I went into my zone, where I have to become unemotional about it all and just hold him. He can't be talked to, it doesn't help to get mad, so I don't, I just hold him and zone out until he decides he doesn't want to fight it anymore and he falls asleep. He still hadn't yet settled down from having to get out of the car and I honestly believe he was to that point where if asked, he wouldn't be able to tell you what he was even throwing a fit about. After everything I had been through up until this point (even some of which I haven't even begun to describe here) I gave in, he was sweaty, I was sweaty, so I let him go nestle into his corner of the couch where he decided Abby's movie would have to do. Ahhh, a little peace....not so fast, while all this screaming was going on, Isaac was in his crib turning beet red from his own screaming. I couldn't hear it because of all the other screaming going on in the house. I picked him up, pleading for the help of heaven to help me with patience for my two year old. I consoled sweet Isaac and started counting down the time until Joseph would be home......

When Joseph arrived home, we had dinner, which started with Aaron screaming about not being able to eat a "tootie" (cookie) for dinner, and then had our FHE lesson about Christ's Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem and His Cleaning of the Temple as part of our Christ-Centered Easter week. Abby and Brynn started the lesson being completely obnoxious, jumping all over and being direspectful, disobedient and silly. Aaron spent the first few minutes screaming about wanting to make himself some chocolate milk (starting to see am theme here with that kid). We sang, "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" and as I sang the words, ".....Love one another as Jesus loves you, try to show kindness in all that you do, be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught." I thought and silently prayed, please help me to be loving and patient and gentle because I am not feeling any of these things after a day like today. It worked, it's amazing the impact music can have on your spirit. I told the girls we were going to talk about something important and that I would wait until they were ready. I waited and waited and it took a looooonnnnngggg time, but we were finally able to talk about the Triumphal Entry and the kids eventually calmed down enough to ask some thoughtful questions and to talk about what happened. Afterward we made a "Love One Another" poster that we will hang up and add to throughout the week. The kids were really excited about this and it ended up being a fun part of our evening.

The best part of the day, was the letter I found next to the sink after everyone had been put to bed. It was folded in half and said on the outside cover,

Please...open the letter

Inside the letter read:

Dear family,
I have something to tell you. I want to learn how to be rightchois since I'm almost ready to be babtized. I want to be nice--be caring for others and expecally read from the scriptures to my family.

Sinceraly your doughter,
Brynn. Woodland California

Today was one of those days where I questioned my ability to carry-out the responsibilities of being a mother.....but I know I can't fail them. Sometimes my mind thinks in terms of the tabula rasa theory and I fear that I have ruined their blank slates! :) For some, mothering may come easy, but for me it is hard. I have to remind myself, "I can do hard things." And especially..... "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13
Tonight, during and after Family Home Evening, most of my thoughts have been centered around the enabling power of the Atonement. With these thoughts in my mind I take a deep breath and jump in to tomorrow!

7 comments:

Bill and Rowene Vest said...

Brynn is such a sweetheart. I love hearing those stories because it brings back many memories, good and bad. I remember the kids fighting one FHE on our way to the Orem Rec Center. Dad and I had had enough and decided to turn around and go back home. There was dead silence. It was not a fun evening especially since that was one of the kids favorite things to do.

I loved Abby's story of trying on the itty bitty skirt. That is so Abby. She is hilarious. Keep working on the regular nap times for Aaron, he will soon get it and it will be heavenly. Can't wait to give Isaac a big hug, he is such a cutie.

You are great parents. How lucky those little ones are to have you as their mom and dad. Keep up the great work! We love you!

Nikki said...

Oh, I love it. I'm sorry for the eventful day, but I guess days like that give us something to blog about. Your kids are the sweetest little things. We are so happy to have your family here in CA.

Stephanie said...

Amy, thank you for sharing. I am always learning from you and I love hearing that my hectic and heart wrenching days are not unlike other mom's! I know how hard it is to write down some this these things to share...So thanks again.

Sant Family said...

I love the way that you write your experiences, Amy. I always learn from you.

Not that this will help at all, but our kids were the same way with the special Easter lesson. The TEENS were especially bad! UGH! I finally announced, this is the most important event in the history of the world! NOTHING else matters. You kids are old enough to sit quiet and have a spiritual experience here.

Not so spiritual.

I like your approach better. I will try to remember it.

Alyson said...

I know I've ruined my kids' blank slates; I just hope the love I've written on every slatey surface will make as big an impression as the mistakes I've made, which are many. Sigh! It's such a responsibility!

I remember saying once to our MIL after a particularly hard day, "Some eternal day, when time is no longer and issue and we can go anywhere and any time we want to, this is a day I'll never want to revisit." She looked at me kind of shocked. I got the impression she hasn't had any of those sorts of days.

But I sure have. Sometimes it is the kids' behavior I never want to revisit, and sometimes it is mine. It sounds to me like you handled it well.

Does it help to know that those days-I-don't-want-to-remember come less and less often? I'm sure it's a combination of the growing children, but also the growing me. Because I still have little ones. But the big ones influence the home, too; and though my patience and mothering skills aren't increasing as quickly as I'd like, I do know that—slowly—I'm making headway. Covering a little bit of that wide ground I need to cover. :)

Amy F said...

Thank you for humanizing yourself here, Amy. Pleading for help is the only way I get through some of those rough days, too.

And thank goodness it is there. :)

Bethany C. said...

Oh that sounds like so many of my days too! Mothering is not for the weak! And if you didn't think you were weak before, it will become painfully obvious!

I just returned from a Wal-mart trip from **** where I ended up in costumer service (fixing their big mistake) with hungry, crying, fighting kids- and a broken gallon of milk that 'accidentally' fell out of our cart and onto the floor! I was not my nicest self in the moment. To make it worse my allergies are terrible today and my eyes looked very red already. People kept trying to console me. I must have looked like I was crying! Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall of great moms to see how they handle these moments. Maybe I could learn a thing or two about patience... Thanks for sharing!