On My Mind....

I've had lots of different emotions going through me the last few weeks, months, and even past year, but haven't known where to start to write them all down. Even though my thoughts aren't as organized as I'd like, I'm going to write them down anyway. As a family we've experienced many changes and challenges this year, but amidst all of those, many blessings. Most of the struggles have been about charting unknown territory, trying to figure out exactly what we want for the future of our young family, and where we want to ultimately be. All simple things, yet they feel complex at times. For the most part, I've chosen not to write about some of those feelings here on the blog. I've recorded some in my personal journal, talked through them, and saved our blog to be our "happy place." Most of the feelings are very personal, and are always part of a process my heart is going through. I feel that to write things down here, for others to read, I would have to constantly edit, because my heart is constantly changing.

I also can't bring myself to write some of them down, because they pale compared to some of the challenges those around me face. I love reading about other's lives because it gives me perspective. I'm able to see things in a different way than my own, sometimes narrow, approach to life. I know that each of us experience struggles and challenges, no matter what picture we paint through our writing. The struggles come in so many different ways and affect each of us on such a different level. Some of the struggles we face, though difficult to get through, are easy to share, allowing others to learn from, while some simply aren't the type for sharing.

Throughout this past year, I've had days....those days we all have, where I wish things could be.....different. The way I want them to be. Then I think about the lessons I have learned, especially those I have learned through the extrememly difficult trials of others, and I am overcome with a sense of gratitude for all that is mine. All of my blessings and challenges. As I have worked to feel gratitude for ALL that is mine, both the blessings and challenges, I have experienced a sense of contentment and happiness. Not because everything is perfect, but because I have been filled with faith that things will work out, and I've been reminded of even the tiniest of blessings.

One of my favorite LDS authors is Ardeth G. Kapp. She was the Young Women's General President when I was just starting the young women's program. I read her book The Joy of the Journey as a young woman and loved the idea of joy during the entire journey of life. She said, “Many of us live in expectation of better days ahead, next week, next month, or next year. We will feel joy when we reach this goal, accomplish that project, or aquire some possession. . . . The joy of the journey comes not only in the anticipation of our ultimate destination, but also when our eyes are opened and we learn to experience the wonders of life and the goodness of life even when we are faced with the challenges.”

Sometimes it's easy for me to let little annoyances and especially hard trials overshadow the great blessings and joy the Lord gives me. I know that when I complain and resist, I lose the spirit and don't feel very joyful or happy, and I forget to have faith and trust in the Lord. This can cause me to become insensitive and blind to the blessings all around me and to forget there are others who are experiencing much deeper pain than I am.

While I was feeling sick during the beginning of my pregnancy, I couldn't bring myself to write about it, because I thought of all those who suffer from the pain of infertility or miscarriage and loss, and how they would give anything to feel that kind of sickness.

When my lipoprotein lipase enzymes totally kicked it into high gear in my backside :), I wanted to write about the joy of pregnancy weight gain on my behind and thighs, but it never seemed appropriate when I had close relatives and associations who had either just lost a child or who were dealing with severe illness and preparing for the imminent death of a child.

Which brings me to what is especially on my mind today.... my cousin Lori and her family. She has been at the heart of many tender feelings I have had lately. I have witnessed the gratitude in her and her little family, throughout this past year, during a time of great adversity. A couple of years ago, she welcomed her husband home from Iraq. Excited to expand their little family of four, they decided to bring another spirit to earth. After experiencing a difficult pregnancy she was more than excited for this baby to be born. Little Seth was born in March of 2007. Immediately after birth, Seth started to have seizures, and while under the care of the nurses repeatedly stopped breathing. Soon after birth, he was flown to a regional hospital for more specialized care. I remember going to the hospital that day to spend some time with Lori. While I was there casually visiting with her and her mom, the doctor called to tell her that something was really wrong. Her lips quivered as she told us the probability of what lie ahead. After holding each other and shedding many tears, we offered a prayer around her hospital bed. The prayer was offered by her mom, my aunt Bev, and the grandmother of this new baby boy. I don’t remember her exact words but I remember that she first expressed sincere gratitude that Seth was able to come to this earth, and into their family. As the weeks went on, they learned that Seth's life on earth would be shortened, but to what extent was unknown. They left the hospital a couple of months later, instructed on all of the procedures with medication, oxygen, and a feeding tube to make his little life more bearable. They have experienced lots of ups and downs over the past year, but have remained constant in their expression of gratitude for the blessing of having Seth in their family. Weeks after Seth was born, and it was discovered that his life would be shortened, his dad sent the following email.

Hey All,

I wanted to give you a quick update on the little man. He is doing well, he has been awake and alert today and was just looking around playing. It was so cute, I know that it might not be a big deal to many but to see a little guy in his situation do what he did was amazing. I know that I can not get my hopes up but what an example of never giving up and fighting even when all is lost. I still can not believe that I held him for an hour and he was wide awake and was just a playing and laughing. I am not a sentimental person but it almost brought me to tears of joy. Anyway I have to focus on the fact that I have a great little new baby instead of his problems because he is such a sweet little guy. I hope this makes sense I just wanted to share one of my happy days with you all and let you know how Seth is doing. Thanks for the prayers and support they are so much appreciated. Thanks! Dusty and Lori

....email updates have been sent to each of us throughout the past 15 months, excerpts from the one written last week....

We have taken Seth off of what is called an oscillator and moved him to a conventional ventilator. The reason we did this is that he had plateaued and was not getting better. He is waking up and opening his eyes now and this will give us a couple of days to enjoy him and hold him and interact with him before he passes. We thank each of you for your support and love during this time and through Seth's life. When we are asked how we handle Seth's situation it is because of the support and love we receive from each of you. We know that Seth will go to a better place and will no longer have to suffer and we are very grateful for for the year we had with him and got to know him. While we could love to have more good times with Seth we understand he has accomplished more than ever expected on this earth and we have been blessed because of him. Any of you are more than welcome to come up to the hospital and see the little guy and say bye if you would like and your prayers in his behalf are more than welcome. Feel free to pass this e-mail to those we may have overlooked or do not have there e-mail addresses. thanks again for the love and support and have a good day. Love, Dusty and Lori

They have had, “The kind of gratitude that receives even tribulations with thanksgiving. . .and humility to accept that which we cannot change, willingness to turn everything over to the Lord.” (Sister Bonnie D. Parkin)

The days ahead will bring sorrow to their family as they say good-bye to their little Seth, though they will experience deep pain, I am confident they will then find a source of peace, happiness and joy in their lives as they remember the words of the Savior “be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours. . .and he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious.” They know, as I know, that it is through the Savior’s atoning sacrifice that they will be able to raise their infant son, as they remain faithful.

I am grateful for the Ray family and for their examples of faith and gratitude during this tender time. We are thrilled beyond expression about our news of yesterday. But, we take time today to pause and share in their sadness. We love you guys!