How's that for a title? Since giving birth to Isaac, Joseph and I have always been open to more children, but just haven't felt right about having another one join our family at any particular moment in time. We've been a little back and forth about things. Joseph came to me in August and told me that he was becoming more open to the idea and had an impression that there might be another little girl. (I kind of laughed, I've always been amused when someone has an impression of a particular gender. I wonder if there are any studies on statistics of the likelihood you will have the gender that was impressed upon your mind.) I wasn't as open right at that moment because there were some really difficult things happening at work.
Fast forward a month and I had a feeling that I might be expecting. We hadn't been really "trying" (if that phrase can really hold any water, haha), but our timing had been a little off and after taking about 15 pregnancy tests for about a week, I decided that all of the positives and faint positives must be true. I calculated my due date and I was due in the beginning or middle of June. About a week before Joseph was scheduled to do his Ironman Triathlon. Perfect timing...NOT! :)
Joe was in the thick of things with work and so when the thought entered my mind that I might be, I didn't even tell him. It wasn't until about a 7-10 days after my missed period that I finally had him go to the store to buy yet another test, this time a digital one. Again, it was positive. It took some time to wrap our head around it. At one point, while we were dealing with the initial shock, well I should say while Joseph was dealing with it, because my initial shock kind of wore off with every test that I took. I had to give him time to absorb the shock. I remember he sat on the floor of our bedroom, shaking his head, wondering how it was possible and how we were going to take it on. (Things were really bad a work!) I think he even said something like, "Okay, we can do this, it's not like this is a teenage pregnancy." It was pretty funny. It took a few days, but then we got pretty excited. Our kids had been begging for a new sibling, we knew they would be so excited with our news. I remember telling my sister Emily. She was thrilled! This would mean we would have babies just a few months apart. She had always wanted to be pregnant together. This was probably our only chance.
A couple of weeks after this, I started to notice some spotting and at first just dismissed it as implantation bleeding, but then as the days progressed it got heavier. One night I felt a dull pain in my abdomen and lower back, similar to the feeling I felt the night before I went into labor with Isaac. Symptoms of the pregnancy that I had felt were disappearing. I called Emily and started to cry telling her what I thought was happening. I hadn't told my parents about the pregnancy yet, but I called my mom and in the same sentence had to tell her about the surprise pregnancy and what I thought was a miscarriage. I felt so sad inside that night. With the symptoms disappearing and the pain that ensued, I felt so empty. I had this unexpected person that I had been dreaming about for the past weeks and really had to train my mind to accept this new being. I thought of myself as a mom of five. Then in an instant, just as unexpectedly as it came, it was no longer part of our life. I spent the next couple of days on the couch as the miscarriage became complete. I called my doctor but told them I didn't want to come in because I was certain it was a miscarriage. I think the hardest part was when the doctor asked me to take another pregnancy test at home. When the digital test read "not pregnant" it seemed so harsh and blunt. "The night before I was expecting, and now just like that, I'm not." I remember feeling so sad and sobbed as I got into the shower that morning. I felt really awful for a few days and down for a couple of weeks, both physically and emotionally, but then everything just felt okay. It happened over Fall Break and I felt like a terrible mom because I wasn't up to taking my kids to do anything fun, but my mom came and saved the day and took them for a few days while I recovered. I told the girls so they understood that I wasn't just sitting on the couch, being a boring mom for no reason. Brynn cried and Abby wailed and sobbed. They took it really hard. Abby was a little mad at Heavenly Father for allowing it to happen and asked over and over "Why?" It was hard. A few weeks after I had to go in for more blood work and I was amazed at how much better I felt in such a short amount of time.
Right after the miscarriage happened I didn't know what to do with my feelings. There was a great void and at first, I felt that we would surely have a fifth child, it was just a matter of time. Now that the physical and emotional wounds feel more healed, we are open to the idea again, but we aren't feeling a sense of urgency about the matter. So we will see. Maybe there will be a fifth and maybe there won't, but all will be well. We'll seek for feelings of peace either way.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2013
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
One of these things is not like the other.....
On Monday night for Family Home Evening, we took a little field trip to the Birthing Center at Sutter Davis. It was great to be able to tour the spot where we will actually deliver and for the kids to see where mom, dad and baby will be.
When we walked in, I noticed immediately that we were different. First of all, I was probably one of the youngest one in the room, at nearly 31 years of age, and second, I was one of the only mom's who had given birth before. Many were first time moms, a couple of second timers, but definitely no one had given birth 3 other times before. It was kind of funny. They treated me like I was the pro.
I don't feel like a pro. You would think that the fact that I have given birth 3 other times would make me feel like one, so why did I and do I feel so terrifed!? I think it's because it's a new hospital with a completely different philisophy and way of doing things than the other hospitals I have delivered at. My nurse midwife and the nurse giving the tour last night both mentioned in no uncertain terms. "We don't do elective inductions or elective c-sections at this birthing center. " That's been childirth for me( atleast the last 2, never had a c-section, I'm talking about elective inductions) and you know I have to say, I've rather enjoyed it. You set a date, go in at 7 a.m. have your water broken, get pitocin, get an epidural and have a baby around noon or so.
Now I have to worry about when it will happen, should I have my mom fly down around my due date or do I wait to call her when I'm actally in labor? (I could be pregnant for 42 weeks!) What if it's in the middle of the night? What if the kids are at school? Do I ask someone from here to come and stay with the kids until she gets here? How do I know when I should go to the hospital? I honestly feel like I'm starting all over again.
The kids were fascinated with the tour. Abby had lots of questions, she pulled my head down close to her's each time and asked every question that went through her head. Her first question was why there was a blue pad on the bed? Most questions she whispered, but if I didn't answer immediately she would say it a little louder, then louder and louder. It became comical when she kept saying, "Mom, HOW does the baby get OUT!!!!" I told her, "We'll talk about that later." She replied a little louder with, "But MOM, I want to know HOW the baby gets out, I NEED to know NOW!!!!" She was overcome with excitement most of the night and would spontaneously hug and kiss my belly and say, "I am so excited for our baby brwother!" We heard a few newborn cries and the girls both cooed at the sound. I could tell it made things real for them and helped them to realize this is coming soon.
The tour guide wanted to show us that birthing tub and the kids were all over that one, but Aaron caught sight of the toilet in the room, he has a fascination with flushing public and our home toilets (don't worry we always wash his hands). I caught him before he got to the flush. The kids nearly jumped into the birthing tub, which wasn't empty and covered with plastic at the time, they wanted to be right up there while the nurse was giving her explanation. Someone asked a questions about meconium and the nurse said, "If the baby does poop in the womb, we won't have you deliver in the tub." She also mentioned something about "swallowing poop." Abby then gasped and got a puzzled look on her face and said, "What does she mean, the baby poops in the water? Why will the baby eat the poop!?" I can picture her in my mind right now asking with her ever-famous furrowed brows. I told her again we would talk about it later. The entire way home she wanted to know about how a baby could poop in the water and eat it and she let us know how disgusting she thought that was.
The magical word came for me at the end of the 1 hour tour. There had been no mention of the "E" word the entire tour. She finally told us at the end, "We won't suggest an epidural, we don't encourage them, but if you get to the point where you're just done, you can ask us for one. We do have them here. We won't suggest it though, so don't expect it....you have to ask."
We feel really good about things here. It is an excellent hospital and birthing center, it's rated well, but just very different than what we are used to. It will be interesting to see how it all comes together.
When we walked in, I noticed immediately that we were different. First of all, I was probably one of the youngest one in the room, at nearly 31 years of age, and second, I was one of the only mom's who had given birth before. Many were first time moms, a couple of second timers, but definitely no one had given birth 3 other times before. It was kind of funny. They treated me like I was the pro.
I don't feel like a pro. You would think that the fact that I have given birth 3 other times would make me feel like one, so why did I and do I feel so terrifed!? I think it's because it's a new hospital with a completely different philisophy and way of doing things than the other hospitals I have delivered at. My nurse midwife and the nurse giving the tour last night both mentioned in no uncertain terms. "We don't do elective inductions or elective c-sections at this birthing center. " That's been childirth for me( atleast the last 2, never had a c-section, I'm talking about elective inductions) and you know I have to say, I've rather enjoyed it. You set a date, go in at 7 a.m. have your water broken, get pitocin, get an epidural and have a baby around noon or so.
Now I have to worry about when it will happen, should I have my mom fly down around my due date or do I wait to call her when I'm actally in labor? (I could be pregnant for 42 weeks!) What if it's in the middle of the night? What if the kids are at school? Do I ask someone from here to come and stay with the kids until she gets here? How do I know when I should go to the hospital? I honestly feel like I'm starting all over again.
The kids were fascinated with the tour. Abby had lots of questions, she pulled my head down close to her's each time and asked every question that went through her head. Her first question was why there was a blue pad on the bed? Most questions she whispered, but if I didn't answer immediately she would say it a little louder, then louder and louder. It became comical when she kept saying, "Mom, HOW does the baby get OUT!!!!" I told her, "We'll talk about that later." She replied a little louder with, "But MOM, I want to know HOW the baby gets out, I NEED to know NOW!!!!" She was overcome with excitement most of the night and would spontaneously hug and kiss my belly and say, "I am so excited for our baby brwother!" We heard a few newborn cries and the girls both cooed at the sound. I could tell it made things real for them and helped them to realize this is coming soon.
The tour guide wanted to show us that birthing tub and the kids were all over that one, but Aaron caught sight of the toilet in the room, he has a fascination with flushing public and our home toilets (don't worry we always wash his hands). I caught him before he got to the flush. The kids nearly jumped into the birthing tub, which wasn't empty and covered with plastic at the time, they wanted to be right up there while the nurse was giving her explanation. Someone asked a questions about meconium and the nurse said, "If the baby does poop in the womb, we won't have you deliver in the tub." She also mentioned something about "swallowing poop." Abby then gasped and got a puzzled look on her face and said, "What does she mean, the baby poops in the water? Why will the baby eat the poop!?" I can picture her in my mind right now asking with her ever-famous furrowed brows. I told her again we would talk about it later. The entire way home she wanted to know about how a baby could poop in the water and eat it and she let us know how disgusting she thought that was.
The magical word came for me at the end of the 1 hour tour. There had been no mention of the "E" word the entire tour. She finally told us at the end, "We won't suggest an epidural, we don't encourage them, but if you get to the point where you're just done, you can ask us for one. We do have them here. We won't suggest it though, so don't expect it....you have to ask."
We feel really good about things here. It is an excellent hospital and birthing center, it's rated well, but just very different than what we are used to. It will be interesting to see how it all comes together.
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